


mind my wicked words and tipsy topsy slurs

by CallicoKitten



Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcoholic Tony Stark, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Awesome Facial Hair Bros, Character Study, Multi, Post-Movie(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 16:20:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8539984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallicoKitten/pseuds/CallicoKitten
Summary: Nat sums his feelings up for him: “Are you saying you want to be friends with him because he’s the same kind of depressingly damaged as you are?”“Maybe I just miss intellectual stimulation, Ms Romanov, you ever think of that?”-or, Tony Stark post-everything finding something to fix





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Не будешь против моих злых слов и пьяных оскорблений?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12159726) by [Bat_out_of_hell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bat_out_of_hell/pseuds/Bat_out_of_hell), [fandom_All_Avengers_and_MCU_2017](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_All_Avengers_and_MCU_2017/pseuds/fandom_All_Avengers_and_MCU_2017)



> sequel to [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8489860)
> 
> idk if i even ship this but ask and ye shall receive or something
> 
> this was supposed to be tony/stephen smut and then i was like 'y'all need to know where my tony is coming from' and then became have all my tony stark feels in one convenient place. i might split them up at some point and have the tony stuff and the tony/stephen stuff separate but for now have at it friends
> 
> title is from gooey by glass animals

**You start with something pure** **.** **Something exciting** **. Then come the mistakes, the compromises.**

\---------

Tony knows Pepper’s going to leave an hour or so after Sokovia hits the ground. He’s standing in the wreckage of a country and they probably saved more than Ultron killed but those numbers are high. Far too high. Tony is on autopilot, searching through wreckage, pulling out bodies. 

 

After 9/11, the volunteers would sometimes bury themselves so the rescue dogs could find someone alive, so they wouldn’t get too depressed. Tony gets that now.

 

It’s Steve that makes him stop, Tony’s suit is sputtering out so he’s on the ground instead of hovering above it, digging through the wreckage of a family home (there are children’s toys, dolls and teddy bears he keeps coming across and each doll gives him a start because they’re so  _ lifelike  _ in the half-light of evening) Steve grabs his arm.

 

“Tony,” he says, gently. “You need to stop.”

 

Tony wishes it was Rhodey. Or Nat. Or Banner but he’s still gone, as far as Tony knows. Not Steve who tries to hide the disappointment in his gaze but does a piss poor job of it. (And it’s not really disappointment, when Ultron got loose - when Tony made Ultron he didn’t look surprised. Not in the least. He’d always spoken of Howard fondly until he’d stopped and Nat had told Tony later that Steve had read up on the Manhattan Project, read that it was Howard Stark’s baby in so many ways which hey, at least Tony’s given his dad a run for his money now. No, Steve looks at him pityingly, like Tony’s a kid with a box of matches and a stick of dynamite that he won’t let go of and no one’s around to tell him no.)

 

“Tony,” Steve repeats. “Come on, you need to rest.”

 

“He’s right, sir,” F.R.I.D.A.Y says, flashing up the suit’s energy levels. “2%, sir.”

 

Tony relents, lets the piece of drywall he’s hold fall, lets Steve guide him out of the wreckage to the helicarrier they’re using as a base. Nat takes over when they reach it and Steve pats Tony once on the back before drifting off to save someone else or something. “Come on, Iron Man,” Nat says, equal parts resigned and fond. “Let’s get you a hot meal or something.” 

 

She leads him through into a small meeting room off the control pit, the tables and chairs have been pushed back against the walls and someone’s set up army cots in neat little rows. Clint’s asleep on one of them, arm slung across his eyes. The kid, Wanda is on another, Tony doesn’t know if she’s asleep but she has her back to them so that’s good enough for him.

 

“Take off your suit,” Nat says, authoritatively. 

 

“Really? You want to do this here, where anyone could walk in? Why, Agent Romanov, you minx,” he says, stepping out of the suit as she rolls her eyes. He feels small without it on, weak without its support. 

 

“Now sit,” Nat commands, indicating on of the cots. “I’ll go get us some food.”

 

Tony sits, massages his temples. There’s no way this wasn’t his fault. If he’d just slowed down… If he’d just listened to Bruce… He checks his phone, no missed calls. Nothing from Pepper. Nothing from Bruce. Nothing from anyone. 

 

“Rhodes is helping fly in supplies,” Nat says, when she gets back. She’s holding two bowls of soup or something. She shoves a bowl into his hands. “Pepper hasn’t called,” she adds, softer. 

 

Tony nods.

 

\---

 

Pepper tries. God, does she try.

 

Tony shakes his way through new nightmares, Pepper holds him steady. She takes charge of the Sokovia fund Tony sets up, funds hospitals and schools and houses and therapy, she stands off stage while Tony gives press conferences and interviews, fields questions about Ultron, about his role in it (and she saved his ass by filing an injunction that meant no one would truly know how Ultron came to be but that hasn’t stopped families of victims trying to sue him. The funny thing is he’d give them everything if he could - if it meant not dragging everyone else down with him.

 

He’s trying to be better. He’s trying to  _ do _ better. 

 

He’s trying not to drink his guilt away.)

 

But Tony watches her when she thinks no one’s watching, when she gazes off into the middle-distance, knuckles pressed to her mouth like she’s holding something back and Tony’s tried to say, _ you don’t have to stay, you know _ because she doesn’t and she shouldn’t. But if he says that all she’ll hear is:  _ I’m a lost cause and I don’t want to drag you down with me  _ and Pepper is patron saint of lost causes lately.

 

And Tony doesn’t know what he’ll do when she’s gone, doesn’t know what he’ll do when he’s waking up shaking alone, when he’s giving speeches with half the audience looking at him like he’s hell on earth because Pepper has kept the world spinning for him since she barged her way into his life with her pony-tails and sensible heels. She’ll get Happy in the divorce, the company too.

 

So the snipe at each other, go days without speaking, yell and cry and sometimes Tony’ll get drunk and beg and beg and beg her to fix it, to fix this, to tell him what to do and what to say and Pepper snaps sometimes, _this isn’t about you,_ _Tony,_ she screams, _people have died, Tony_ but then they’ll both get up, wash their faces, comb their hair, get dressed up nice and smile for the cameras.

 

\---

 

Pepper leaves and Rhodey’s there to pick up the pieces. Bruce surfaces in Australia, according to Nat who certainly hasn’t been obsessively searching for him or anything. (And yeah, Tony knows she’s just concerned, she feels like Bruce leaving is her fault more than anything but when Tony’s down he likes to tease people and he’s reasonably sure Nat’s threats of violence will never come to pass.

 

Then again, a few months ago he was fairly sure he’d found a steady middle ground in his life, he was fairly sure Pepper would always be there, he was fairly sure this was it.

 

A year ago he was done being Iron Man. 

 

A few years more he was on top of the world.)

 

The problem is, Pep might not live with him anymore, she might not be where the world begins and ends but she’s still a pretty prominent feature in his life. She might be the CEO, might grace the cover of magazines in smart suits and do prim and proper interviews about work/life balance and how she’s not just going to smash through that glass ceiling, she’s taking the shards and shaping them into knives or something, but Tony’s still at the forefront, Tony’s still the madcap inventor, Tony’s still Iron Man. Pepper still organises interviews for him. Still stands at the sidelines and meets him in the back with pursed lips and pitying eyes and puts a hand on his shoulder and say, in far more elegant terms,  _ good luck and don’t fuck this up, Tony.  _

 

They’re about three months out from Ultron, Tony’s involvement these days is a popular conspiracy theory, there are three hour long youtube videos on the topic but there are still stray questions here and there, There are still parents and partners and brothers and sisters and friends with questions unanswered.

 

(They were all sworn to secrecy three weeks after Sokovia. Officially, Tony only had the barest involvement in Ultron’s creation. He was a rogue AI and his origins are murky, that’s all the public know.)

 

Tony smiles and smirks and quips and reporters roll their eyes and swoon in equal measure and Tony goes home to his workshop and collapses in on himself like a dying star.

 

He’s tailspinning until Rhodey catches him, tells him to buck the fuck up, stop feeling sorry for himself and fucking  _ do  _ something and Tony always has been at his best when he’s got something to do with his hands.

 

\---

 

He’s doing alright, not great but alright, and then the Accords happen, the Winter Soldier happens and - 

 

Look, Tony’s feelings about Steve are complicated. All his life he’s had Steve on his back, hanging over his head like a threat or an ideal, taking his daddy’s attention away from him and when he first became Iron Man someone wrote an article entitled  _ Iron Man: The Captain America For A New Generation?  _ that Tony read over and over and over because Tony’s always felt like he had something to prove over Steve fucking Rogers and this was something he thought Steve would see eye-to-eye on. This was something the myth they’d built out of Captain America would go to bat for, would champion with winks and grins and gals falling at his feet but Captain America the man takes a murderer by the hand - and okay, Tony gets that Barnes is not the Winter Soldier but  _ god - _

 

Captain America the man takes the man that threw Tony’s mother through a window (shatters her spine, three broken ribs, almost unrecognisable from road-rash and crush injuries)  broke his father’s facing on a steering wheel and walks out into the world and Tony’s left sitting by his best friend’s bedside with the world crashing down around his ears. 

 

Pepper is at the hospital when Tony gets back. She has no qualms about pulling him into a hug and Tony  _ melts  _ into it (and if he squeezes his eyes tight enough he can pretend this isn’t happening.) “He’s asleep,” she says, when they break apart, followed quickly by, “Are you alright?”

 

“I’m fine,” Tony says. “I mean, I’m not and I don’t think I ever will be but I’m fine.”

 

Pepper looks at him like he’s wounded.

 

“I’m  _ fine,  _ Pep,” he repeats. “I - I’m  - “ He’s not fine. Not even close. “Rhodey’s never gonna walk again,” he blurts, the words running together messily. “He’s never gonna - I ruined his life, Pep.” 

 

“Tony,” Pepper says, softly, tiredly. “You were doing what you thought was right.”

 

Tony sinks down onto a sparsely stuffed chair and Pepper, after a moment does to. “Do you think I was right?” he asks, quietly.

 

Pepper sighs, “I think I do,” she tilts her head backwards, against the back of the chair. “Honestly, Tony, I don’t know. If I say James Barnes should stand trial does that mean you should?”

 

She doesn’t mean to say it. Tony knows she doesn’t mean to say it. 

 

“He killed my parents, Pep,” he says, in a very small voice.

 

Pepper makes a soft, sympathetic noise and reaches across, strokes a thumb across his cheek, “I know,” she says softly and _ that _ stings. 

 

“How?”

 

“Maria showed me the files after Nat released them,” she says. She doesn’t say  _ I didn’t tell you because I thought you couldn’t handle it  _ or  _ because I didn’t want to upset you  _ or  _ i made an executive decision about it and thought... _ But Tony hears it anyway. “I am so, so sorry, Tony,” she says, but Tony barely hears her.

 

There’s this roaring in his ears and it sounds like Rhodey shooting out of the sky and hitting the ground, it sounds like the static from the tv as the grainy footage played, it sounds like Cap dropping the shield.

 

Tony’s chest is tight.

 

He squeezes his eyes shut and Pepper’s hand is on his shoulder, “Tony,” she's saying, pleading. “Tony,  _ breathe. _ ”

 

\---

 

(Pepper is drunk and Tony is drunk and they are falling apart, have been falling apart since Tony put on a suit and made saving the world his main priority and there’s probably a metaphor in there somewhere but honestly, the alcohol has sapped Tony of his critical reasoning skills and Pepper screams,  _ when are you going to grow up Tony? I am so damn sick of cleaning up your messes for you and you don’t even  _ **_care!_ ** _ You don’t even notice! You can’t just smash things to pieces and expect someone to glue them back together for you! _

 

And she leaves, barefoot, heels dangling from one hand.)

 

\---

 

Maria comes over and drags him out of bed a week or so after Rhodey’s accident. His blood is probably mostly alcohol by this point and yeah, okay, he’s wallowing but it’s well within his rights to wallow. 

 

Right?

 

“Pepper sent me over,” Maria says, sounding less than impressed. Like this whole thing was his fault. “Get dressed.”

 

“I don’t wanna,” Tony mumbles, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes. This is the exact opposite of what he wants to do. 

 

“You think I feel good about this?” Maria asks. She’s wearing the expression Tony imagines she usually reserves for people she’s about to kick the head clean off of (and yeah, he’s pretty sure she can do that, physics be damned.) “You made your bed, Tony. Now you’ve got to grow up and deal with it.”

 

She stomps out of the room and Tony rubs his face, swings his legs out of the bed and groans. He’s spent the past few days bouncing between the hospital and his bed and generally ignoring the world and all his social responsibilities. He grabs a shirt that has spent a good week or so on the floor and combs his fingers through his hair. 

 

Maria comes back with a mug of coffee that she promptly shoves into his hands before Tony can protest.. “You need to put out a statement,” she says. “Stark Industries is tanking, all that’s come out so far is that Cap went rogue.”

 

“I’m not holding a press conference,” Tony says. 

 

“Then do an interview,” Maria snaps. “Make a fucking YouTube Video, I don’t care. All you need to do is say you don’t support Cap’s actions and that Iron Man and Stark Industries are very different things.” 

 

Tony misses Phil. At least he didn’t  _ openly  _ loathe Tony. 

 

Maybe Maria’s developed the ability to read minds because her expression softens. “Cap sprung the rest of his team,” she says. “He’s gone dark.”

 

“You’re helping him,” Tony guesses.

 

Maria crosses her arms. “Look, I’m not taking sides here, what I believe doesn’t matter, I’m just doing my job, Tony. Like you should be. Now get dressed.” 

 

She leaves again and Tony huffs. As far as _ he _ was aware Maria’s job was head of PR for Stark Industries.Not agent of SHIELD. 

 

\---

 

He gives an interview to Christine Everhert. He’s pretty sure he’ll regret this in the morning but Christine has self-styled herself as a ‘superhero reporter’ and no _ t all  _ her articles are vehemently anti-him. (She’s also the only journalist Tony knows by name so there’s that.) 

 

She talks him into letting her film it and Pepper arrives to make sure he doesn’t throw up on air or something. Nat comes to and weirdly, she seems to be the most sympathetic. Or at least, the least openly hostile. It’s okay, Tony gets it, he’s fucked up. He’s fucked up big time. 

 

“So nice to see you again,” Christine says, plastic smile. She holds her hand out for Tony to shake. Tony keeps his hands behind his back.

 

“I don’t,” he says.

 

Christine’s smile falters, “So that’s how this is going to go?”

 

Tony sighs. “Lets just get this over with, okay?”

 

It’s the kind of sit down Tony hates, Pepper’s picked out the two best chairs in Avengers Tower and had them moved into what used to be Bruce’s room in attempt to make Tony look like less of an asshole. Some lady keeps trying to dab make-up on Tony’s face and Christine seems to have brought a small army with her to film this crap.

 

“#TeamCap is trending,” Nat tells him, unhelpfully. “So is #BuckyBarnesWasaHero and #HeWasntInControl.”

 

“Are you trying to make me cry?” 

 

She grins, devilishly. He hates that he made her choose. “Well, #StandingWithStark and #SokoviaAccords are also trending so there’s that.”

 

“So,” Christine opens with. “What does this mean for the Avengers?”

 

She keeps things pretty tame until the last few questions, asks about team dynamics and what he knows about Ant-Man and who Spiderman is and whether he thinks Wanda is a danger to the public. Asks a lot of questions about Zemo’s upcoming trial, about whether he believes signing the Sokovia Accords could have prevented all of this and then, she turns her attention to James Barnes, asks about how Rhodey is doing. 

 

“Now, in the past few days a lot of information about the so called Winter Soldier has come to light. We’ve learnt, among other things that he was responsible for the assassination of JFK but we’ve also learnt of an accusation that’s a little more personal to you.”

 

Tony’s hands clench into fists on his lap. Pepper and Nat are behind Christine, behind the cameras. He keeps his gaze on Christine. 

 

“The footage was upsetting,” Christine says. “I’m guessing you’ve seen it.”

 

“I have,” Tony says.

 

“Now, obviously, this must be a very difficult issue for you to comment on but it is something people have been wondering about. Did the fact that the Winter Soldier murdered your parents  _ brutally  _ influence your actions?”

 

Tony swallows. 

 

Over Christine’s shoulder, Pepper’s arms are crossed, her left hand grips her upper arm tightly. 

 

“I actually only found out about that after Captain Rogers had already broken Sgt Barnes out of custody.” He’s used his big boy words, Pepper visibly relaxes. Tony wants to scream.

 

Christine nods, her expression carefully neutral. “And I’m supposing you are part of the movement that thinks Sgt Barnes should stand trial for his crimes regardless of whether or not he was fully in control of his actions.”

 

“I think that’s not for me to decide,” Tony says, carefully.

 

Christine’s expression flickers, she’s about to say something more but Pepper cuts in, “I believe your time is up, Ms Everhart,” she says and Christine looks like she’s about to argue until Nat steps between them. She huffs, then smiles, “Well, I think we have everything we need,” she looks back to Tony and stands up, “ No hard feelings, Tony, I’m just doing my job.”

 

Tony nods vaguely. 

 

“What a bitch,” Pepper says, when Christine’s gone. She puts a hand on Tony’s shoulder, “You did well. You okay?”

 

“I’m fine,” Tony lies.

 

“Good,” Pepper says, “Because we need to talk about that twelve year old you dragged in to your airport battle.”

 

Shit. Tony thought he had dodged that bullet. “He’s fifteen.”

 

Pepper puts her hands on her hips. 

 

\---

 

“You know,” Nat says, when Tony’s two days deep into creating a widget to make Rhodey’s legs work. “This whole ‘fucking up your life and waiting for someone else to fix it’ thing is getting old.”

 

“Go easy on him, Nat,” Rhodey says, from the webcam link Tony’s set up. 

 

“I’m working on it,” Tony says. 

 

\---

 

As with all things Tony, the path from A to B is full of false starts and crash landings and breaks for wallowing in self-pity. He’s giving himself a free pass though since he and Cap seem to have broken the world with their divorce. 

 

It’s funny. Back when Tony was building bombs and guns and chemical compounds to melt people’s eyes (which no, he did not sell, thank you very much) he never really thought about what the rest of the world thought of him. It didn’t matter. It never mattered. He got to play with his toys and sometimes he broke them but he always had mommy and daddy to clean up after him and he’s always had blood on his hands but Sokovia was different.  _ Is  _ different. And since then, his life has felt like on extended panic attack.

 

He’s back to being the face of Superhero, asked to speak on political issues and told to smile pretty for select cameras by Ross, someone on Change.Org starts a petetion for his arrest, the supreme court still wants to make his Iron Man tech available for worldwide military use. 

 

Ross has bugged his phone, thinks he’s monitoring Tony’s net usage because he’s convinced Tony knows where Cap and his little band of heroes are hiding out. 

 

Mostly, Tony just goes introspective. 

 

He watches his parents walk out that door over and over and over. 

 

He watches Yinsen die, he watches Obie slip, goes over everything and maybe he would have seen if he’d left the workshop once in a while and spent less time showboating but whatever that’s just another in a long list of failures.

 

(“Self pity really isn’t your colour, Stark,” Maria says.)

 

He flies through the gash in the sky over and over again, watches himself die.

 

(“This seems unhealthy,” Vision says, looking troubled.)

 

He watches Ultron. He watches Sokovia. 

 

(“I don’t see what this is supposed to accomplish, Tony,” Nat says.)

 

He watches Pepper. He watches Cap - 

 

“I’m drawing the line,” Rhodey says. He’s turned down Tony’s tech but he’s determined to walk anyway. Tony’s got him the best of the best. “You can’t keep dwelling on the past. You gotta move forward.”

 

“I  _ am _ moving forward.”

 

“Ross called,” Nat calls from - somewhere.

 

“See?” Tony says, demonstratively. Rhodey shakes his head, Tony turns to yell vaguely towards Nat’s voice, “The big Ross or the little one?”

 

“The little one,” Nat yells back.

 

“Tony,” Rhodey says, “Working with the Taskforce is - ”

 

“Dangerous?” Tony guesses. He’s not so keen on the Taskforce either but he signed the Accords. He’s an owned man now. As much as he can be, anyway. The Big Ross thinks Tony helped Cap stage his prison break. He may or may not be right. “World's gotta be saved, Rhodes. The bad guys don’t take a break because you’re out of action.”

 

\---

 

It’s hard being Iron Man these days.

 

Tony finds himself spending half his time trying to calculate the risks of stray blasts. Surprisingly, this doesn’t lend itself to stellar crime fighting.

 

“You seem distracted,” Vision says, rather unnecessarily after Tony gets his ass handed to him.

 

“Maybe you should retire,” Nat suggests, in his ear. 

 

When he gets back to the tower he tosses his suit off, kicks the helmet against the wall. 

 

When he closes his eyes he sees buildings crumbling and jericho missiles and Rhodey hitting the ground. 

 

Rhodey wheels his way over to him, clasps a hand on his shoulder. 

 

“What the hell am I supposed to do, Rhodey?” Tony says, but he wants to say so much more. So much fucking more but everytime he tries the words get lost or jumbled or swallowed up by this chasm that’s slowly swallowing him up. “I keep… I’m just…”

 

“You’ll do what you always do, Tone,” Rhodey says and he doesn’t sound worried. “You’ll find a way to fix it. That’s what you do, man.”

 

_ You’re a mechanic, right?  _ A blonde kid says a hundred years ago.

 

\---

 

It’s around this time that Bruce finally checks in. He’s kind of an awful friend in that sense. Tony’s been grounded for a month or so now. Rhodey can walk with a cane. Cap and co are still MIA. 

 

“There’s a man in New York,” Banner says.

 

“Just one, Bruce? You might wanna read up on that.”

 

Bruce laughs humourless, “I’m serious, Tony. There’s a man I think you guys should check out. He’s kind of…  _ strange. _ ”

 

“Uh-huh, and that’s your professional opinion, Doctor?” 

 

Bruce ignores Tony’s well thought out and frankly hilarious joke. “Look, he really is worth checking in on. He’s helping Thor out with something. Remember all those weird reports out of London and Hong Kong? That’s him.”

 

Tony vaguely remembers one of the Ross’s mentioning that, Hill said she had people investigating. “So that’s what you’ve been up to, huh? You and Thor hanging out together without us? Are we not cool enough for you, Banner?”

 

“ _ Tony _ ,” Bruce says, soft and fond. 

 

“I know, I know, you need your  _ space _ ,” Tony says, like it doesn’t kind of hurt. He never really realised how much he’d started relying on Bruce till he was gone which, you know, make of that what you will. “But come on, we could use an extra pair of hands, Banner.”

 

“I know. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

 

Bruce hangs up before Tony can say anything which, again, rude and Tony sighs, drops his phone to the desk and googles ‘strange man New York.’ Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t come up with much. Much beyond people like Daredevil, anyway. It takes him a little while (and hacking into Maria’s really poorly hidden New-SHIELD files)  to find out who Bruce is talking about and he rolls his eyes when he reads the man’s name. 

 

\---

 

Tony’s been vaguely aware of Stephen Strange since before he went to Hogwarts or however else you get magical powers these days. He doesn’t think he’s ever met him directly though he has vague memories of stealing Strange’s date at a charity ball or something and he was on the list of surgeons they contacted about Rhodey. 

 

The news stories are vague, there are few pieces about the car accident, about what a shame it is that world has lost one of the most prominent surgeons of his field and then a few paragraphs about his disappearance. Hill’s files are pretty bare but there’s CCTV footage of Strange in London and then in New York a few seconds later. Tony watches the footage over and over. At first he thinks Strange is like Wanda’s brother but quicker but no, something feels different about it. 

 

He calls Hill. 

 

“I’m at work, Tony,” she answers with because fuck politeness, Tony guesses? “What do you want?”

 

“You’ve been holding out on us, Hill,” Tony says. “Do the Ross’s know you’re hiding info on Enhanced individuals?”

 

Hill sighs, “What do you want to know?”

 

\---

 

An hour and a half after his first meeting with Stephen Strange, Tony is sulking in the training room with Rhodey, watching Nat kick dummies apart. It’s strangely therapeutic. 

 

“He’s such an asshole,” Tony grumbles and Rhodey laughs. “And stubborn too,  _ God _ , Rhodey, he’s so stubborn.” 

 

“Well, now you know how we feel,” Rhodey says and Nat shoots a smirk at him over her shoulder. 

 

“You guys are so mean to me,” Tony mutters. “But no, he’s powerful. He could be a good friend.”

 

“Why are we sending  _ you  _ to meet with him, then?” Nat asks.

 

“You guys realise I let you live here rent free, right?”

 

\---

 

Christine Palmer is the kind of woman that a few years ago, Tony would have  _ obsessed _ over. He meets her at the hospital first (though, Rhodey points out, it’s less of a meeting and more rudely butting into her life but Tony’s never claimed to be perfect. Under oath, anyway.)

 

“Tony Stark,” she says. Disappointingly, she doesn’t sound impressed or overwhelmed but she also doesn’t sound enraged. She sounds cautious, a little apprehensive.

 

“Christine Palmer,” Tony greets. “Do you have a minute to talk about our Lord and Saviour, Stephen Strange?”

 

She raises her eyebrows, “Sure, I’m only in charge of the ER, I can take a minute.”

 

“ _ Ouch. _ Everyone is so rude these days. I think Cap’s departure has destroyed the last shred of common decency this country had.  _ Anyway,  _ you’re friends with the good Doctor, right?”

 

Christine snorts, “I don’t know if ‘friend’ is really the right term.”

 

“Long suffering acquaintance, then?”

 

She smiles at that, “That’s probably more apt.” An alarm goes off somewhere and the smile vanishes, “Now, unless you’re injured, Mr Stark, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” She darts off, heading in the direction of the alarm and Tony huffs. 

 

(“It’s okay,” he says to Rhodey, later, “I know where she lives.”

 

Rhodey shakes his head, “You’re gonna end up in jail, man.”)

 

\---

 

Strangely, Christine isn’t particularly talkative when Tony turns up on her doorstep. 

 

“I am not his keeper!” she snaps. “If you’re worried about him, go talk to him about it!”

 

And Tony accepts that and backs off, doesn’t see her again until Peter gets banged up in a fight against his own personal nemesis and Tony’s desperate. Christine, to her credit, is only mildly freaked out when Tony sends Vision to kidnap her to stitch up a battered fifteen year old. She screams at him for half an hour but he makes her coffee and buys breakfast so he assumes they’re cool now. 

 

\---

 

Thor drops by a few weeks after Stephen Strange strides into Tony’s kitchen like that's a thing normal human beings do. Thor, despite not being a human being, uses the front door. 

 

“Tony,” he opens with, beaming. “It is good to see you again my friend. I was sorry to hear what happened with Steven.”

 

“Yeah, you and the rest of the world, buddy,” Tony says. “Bruce says he’s helping you look for your dad.”

 

Thor tells him it’s not going well. Not least because Strange seems to not be coping well with whatever his origin story entailed Tony gets it, he’s been there, it’s rough going from a rich asshole on top of the world to having real responsibilities. 

 

“Perhaps you could speak with him,” Thor says, eventually. “I believe he could benefit from some support.”

 

“I  _ offered _ support. He was very rude about it.”

 

Thor makes a face, “Yes, he can be very blunt at times. In fact, he is rather like - ” He pauses and Tony sighs.

 

“Don’t say it.”

 

\---

 

Strange is asleep when Tony finally gives in. Thor for whatever reason didn’t think to mention this. Maybe it’s normal on Asgard to let guests in when the people they’re visiting are sleeping but Tony’s had a rough day, he’s feeling determined. Or stubborn. Or something.

 

Stephen’s sprawled out across a couch, judging by his clothes and the book on his chest he fell asleep reading. He’s mumbling something under his breath, “I’ve come to bargain,” it sounds like. 

 

Tony’s just starting to feel truly intrusive when Stephen gasps awake. It takes him a few moments to reorient himself and for a moment, a few seconds, he looks truly terrified.

 

(The kind of terrified Tony felt when Ultron went rogue, when he flew that nuke into space.)

 

And Tony thinks  _ huh. _

 

\---

 

Nat sums his feelings up for him: “Are you saying you want to be friends with him because he’s the same kind of depressingly damaged as you are?”

 

“Maybe I just miss intellectual stimulation, Ms Romanov, you ever think of that?”

 

\---

 

So, Tony’s not great at making friends. 

 

What he is good at, is pulling people into his orbit - whether through necessity or through work - and keeping them there until they develop stockholm syndrome. (Rhodey is a fluke, Tony’s thought about it there’s no reason Rhodey should have stuck with him this long.) So he only really has positive interaction with Stephen when Stephen almost dies. 

 

Afterwards, he watches Stephen sleep. In a not creepy way, in a making-sure-he’s-still-breathing way. Tony doesn’t fully get this weird need he’s developed to make sure Stephen’s okay. It’s something he’d rather not examine too closely beyond the fact that Stephen is a person and Tony would rather not have more blood on his hands. 

 

He's also more than a little fascinated with Stephen’s power. He's tried making sense of it, of how Stephen can open portals and step through to  _ anywhere _ . It must have something to do with matter transfer but that wouldn't explain - 

 

His train of thought is derailed by an elderly Chinese man stepping out of thin air in front of him, “Strange?” The man barks. He blinks when he sees Tony.

 

“Uh, hi,” Tony says. “Dumbledore, I presume? Where's your beard?”

 

The man stares, then he sighs, “Oh great, another one. Strange, where is he? Is he alive?”

 

“He's behind you,” Tony indicates the bed.

 

The man looks ever so slightly relieved. He turns back to Tony, “Is he alright?”

 

“He's fine. Well, he will be. We hope, anyway, Mr…?”

 

“Wong,” the man offers.

 

“Wong,” Tony echoes. “That Mr Wong? Wong a first name? Or is it just ‘Wong.’ Like Beyonce. Or Thor. Although, I think Thor might have a last name that I’m blanking on. Vision, though. Help me out here.”

 

Wong stares at him, “Uncanny,” he says, shaking his head. “He is strong,” he says, indicating Stephen. “He will recover from what Karl Mordo did to him.”

 

“Well good,” Tony says. “That's very… elaborative.”

 

Wong nods, “Tell Stephen the Eye is safe when he wakes.” And with that he leaves.

 

Stephen lurches back to consciousness a little while later. “ _ Karl - _ ” he mumbles and from context, Tony guesses that's the name of the guy that tried to kill him. 

 

Stephen’s on his feet before Tony can say anything. He sways dangerously. 

 

Tony stands up to catch him, “Whoa.” He puts his hands out to - well let's be honest, if Stephen falls and Tony tries to catch him they're both going down. 

 

“Where - ?” Stephen mumbles. 

 

“We lost your friend,” Tony says. “But an elderly Chinese man dropped by to tell you that the Eye is safe. Whatever that means.”

 

Stephen blinks, “Wong.”

 

“Yeah, him. He was very rude. You should find nicer friends, Strange.”

 

Stephen nods faintly, he's still swaying. He looks down at his hands, clenches them and unclenches them experimentally. He winces as he does so. 

 

He looks lost.

 

Tony steps forwards, “You should sit down. The poison is still in your system and Wong said whatever Voldemort did to you will take a while to wear off.”

 

“Voldemort,” Stephen mumbles and a faint smile might flicker across his face but then he’s slipping sideways and Tony grabs him forcibly by the arm and pushes him back towards the bed.

 

Tony takes a step back, he's kind of not good at this part and Stephen kind of crumples in on himself. “God, Karl,” he mutters.

 

He starts to shake, Tony’s hand is still on his arm. “Strange, you still with me?”

 

Stephen is probably not still with him and it's just - it's so  _ familiar.  _ He knows what it feels like when your chest suddenly doesn't work and your brain is stuck on a loop of  _ its never going to be okay. _

 

“Strange,” Tony says, louder. “Don't make me call Banner back, he has appalling bedside manner, you would not believe how awful it is.” He tightens his grip on Stephen’s arm, tries to will him into calming down.

 

“Whereas you,” Stephen pants, when he's got his breathing under control. “Are a magnificent little nursemaid, I’m sure.”

 

And Tony’s never been more pleased with everyone's sudden lack of manners.

 

\---

 

He gives Stephen a few days to get himself together before dropping by again, strolling into Stephen’s rooms just as Wong is leaving. 

 

Stephen still looks obscenely fragile for being roughly twice Tony’s height and he's wearing more layers than usual, a sweater, long in the sleeves to cover his hands. Once they establish that Tony doesn't want Stephen to join the Avengers and Stephen doesn't  _ want  _ to join the Avengers anyway, Tony eyes his hands, “How you doing anyway?” He asks.

 

Stephen looks down at his hands as well, they're shaking slightly. He flexes his fingers gingerly and clenches his jaw, “Could be worse,” he mutters.

 

“Yeah,” Tony agrees. “You could be dead.”

 

Stephen shoots him a reproachful look, “You have no idea what this is like,” he says, voice unexpectedly raw. “Having your own body so… out of your control.”

 

Tony rubs his chest out of habit, the space where the arc reactor used to be. “Oh, I don't know, Strange. There was the time where a magnet in my chest was the only thing keeping my heart from being skewered by tiny pieces of metal.  _ Then  _ the time when said magnet was pumping poison into me and I spent the better part of a year convinced I was going to die,” he winces a little at the memories. “Not my finest hour to be sure.”

 

Stephen  is watching him, looking increasingly exasperated. He’s probably waiting for an opportunity to remind Tony the world doesn't revolve around him or something or to remark snidely that Tony is really bad at bonding and oh, Tony knows.

 

“There was also that time after New York where I kept having panic attacks,” he adds and Stephen frowns at that so Tony continues, “And that time after the defence protocol I built went rogue and destroyed a country where I basically fell apart for a year.” 

 

He trails off, Stephen’s frown deepens. “I never knew,” he says, after a few moments.

 

“Why would you? It's not something I advertised.  _ Five Frightening Ways Tony Stark is Falling Apart  _ isn't exactly the kind of Buzzfeed article people clamour to read,” Tony pauses. “You know, on second thought, people probably  _ would  _ read that.”

 

Stephen nods, sagely. He rubs the back of his neck, “Panic attacks?”

 

“Yeah, they suck, huh?”

 

It takes Stephen a moment but he nods, turning away from Tony. “I - ” he clenches his shaking hands with difficulty. “I just feel so useless. If Mordo comes back or if -”

 

“If your evil sorcerer comes back we’ll be here to back you up, Strange.”

 

Stephen looks over his shoulder, “Thanks, Stark.”

 

This is getting...uncomfortable, so Tony changes the subject. “So, you sleeping much? I didn’t sleep for seventy-two hours once, it was beautiful. I had a panic attack in front of a bunch of people at this tacky restaurant Rhodey dragged me to.”

 

Stephen frowns at that, “That sounds… fun.”

 

“You’d think so, right? In practise though, not so much.”

 

Stephen hums and when he opens his mouth again Tony thinks he might be getting somewhere. He’s not though because all Stephen says is, “Well, if that’s all Mr Stark, I have a lot of work to do, so.”

 

\---

 

It’s gotten to the point where Tony can be in the same room as Pepper again without suffocating tension or one or both of them (usually Tony, he’ll be honest) bursting into tears. Naturally, Tony abuses this wonderful happening by dropping in on Pepper while she’s at work. She’s just finalising a deal with Pym Tech to collaborate on research and Hope Van Dyne, who for some reason is very angry at Tony, clacks out in her heels as Tony enters.

 

“My dad’s probably busting out of his grave in disgust right now,” Tony opens with.

 

Pepper does that thing where she’s happy to see him but is desperately pretending not to be. “Well, when he gets here I’ll be sure to point him in the direction of the son that signed the company he built with his bare hands over to his P.A.”

 

“Everyone’s a comic these days,” Tony mutters. Pepper smiles. “Anyway, Dad would probably be over the moon that such a well-read broad like yourself was in charge of his baby.”

 

“Tony, I haven’t been in charge of you for at  _ least  _ a year,” she grins, wryly. “You see what I did there?”

 

“I did, that was very - ” Tony trails off, dropping into the seat opposite Pepper’s. “You know Happy made me wear a badge?  _ Me _ ? Honestly, Pep, I don’t know what the world is coming to. I’m beginning to suspect he’s always liked you better than me.”

 

“I’m sure that’s very hard for you,” Pepper says. She’s tapping away on her laptop but there’s a small smile on her face and Tony realise he’s glad she got out. He never got what Pepper saw in him, why she stuck around so long. She’s got a chance now. 

 

“Don’t belittle my pain, Pepper, it’s very unbecoming.”

 

“What’s unbecoming is you bothering me at work.”

 

Tony beams, “Isn’t it just like old times? It’s just like old times, huh? This is nice.”

 

Pepper looks at him, smiles her biggest  _ I could drop you in a hole so deep so you’d never see the light of day again  _ smile, “Tony. What are you doing here?”

 

“I need your advice,” Tony admits. 

 

Pepper stops typing.

 

“I - uh - When we were _ together _ \- ”

 

Pepper cuts him off, “Tony, if this is a post-mortem...”

 

“It’s not,” Tony assures. “Hear me out.”

 

She steeples her hands in front of her face and leans forwards, it’s a go ahead and suddenly Tony’s mind goes blank. He has no idea how to phrase this, or even what he’s asking. Not really, anyway.

 

“When we were together how did you get me to talk?” he settles for.

 

“How did I get you to talk?” Pepper repeats, slowly. “Well, honestly, Tony, the problem was mostly how to get you to stop talking.”

 

“You know what I mean, how did you get me to  _ talk  _ talk?”

 

Pepper laughs humourlessly, “Tony, you didn’t  _ talk _ talk. That was the problem.”

 

Tony sighs, “Yeah, I figured.”

 

\---

 

Nat thinks his obsession with Stephen Strange is unhealthy and narcissistic, Rhodey is probably just happy Tony’s spending time with someone that isn’t him. 

 

Usually, it goes like this: Tony turns up uninvited, Strange is sometimes sleeping or distracted and sometimes this means Tony stumbles into magical traps and almost eviscerated which - hey, what’s a little disemboweling between friends, really? And sometimes, Stephen will be tired enough or relaxed enough to admit he’s not doing great but mostly he snarks and stonewalls Tony and Tony kind of gets why no one likes him, it’s  _ exhausting.  _

 

It doesn’t help that Wong has, for some reason, decided that Tony is Stephen’s babysitter and likes walking into the Tower at odd times of the morning to ask whether Tony can speak to Stephen because Stephen’s not listening to Wong on matters like eating and sleeping. 

 

After a few months of this, Tony falls back on life’s great problem solver: alcohol. 

 

(And yeah, it’s not only to get Strange to open up, Tony’s had a shitty week full of nightmares and exhaustion and General Ross being up his ass about Cap.)

 

Tony arrives at the Sanctum with a few choice bottles of whiskey in tow and tequila in case Strange is secretly a party girl or something. The last time he was here Stephen was having a notedly Bad Day and threw Tony through a couple of dimensions to try and scare him off. 

 

( _ You know,  _ Tony had said, when he’d regained the power of speech and thought,  _ contrary to popular belief, I have in fact experimented with psychogenics. So you’ll have to do better than  _ **_that,_ ** _ Strange. _ )

 

Stephen looks mildly apologetic when Tony barges in on him in the library but he’s the kind of proud that isn’t good with apologies which Tony also gets. Shockingly. 

 

“Come on, Strange,” Tony announces. “We’re getting drunk.”

 

Stephen eyes the bottles, “No,” he says, flatly.

 

“You don’t get to say no,” Tony informs him. 

 

Stephen rolls his eyes and snaps his book shut.

 

\---

 

As it turns out, Stephen is not a fun drunk. He’s a quiet, wallow-in-my-own-misery kind of drunk.

 

“I should have done something more to find Karl,” he says. “I  _ should  _ do something more to find Karl. I just - ” He breaks off, drains his glass.

 

Tony pats him on the back, “Yeah. Super Hero 101, my friend, someone close to you will inevitably try and kill you at some point. For me it was Obie, Thor had his brother, Cap had… me, I guess.”

 

“I’m not a hero,” Stephen says, automatically.

 

“I’m sorry, didn’t you save the world from Cthulhu, or something?”

 

Stephen smiles faintly, “Dormammu,” he corrects.

 

Tony waves a hand, “ _ Semantics _ .”

 

“I didn’t beat him,” Stephen says, quietly. “I annoyed him into leaving. Trapped him in a time loop and let him kill me over and over and over again until he was tired.” His voice cracks a little. “I keep dreaming about it.”

 

“Did he drown you?” Tony says, impulsively. “That was the worst. I was in my suit and it was still horrifying.” He tries not to think about that slip-slide and drop off as his mansion slid into the sea, about the debris caught around his neck - 

 

“I’m sure he would have if he could,” Stephen says. He takes another drink and then, “I killed a man. Well, a few but - I’ve never - ”

 

Tony snorts. It’s not a snort of amusement more a  _ you’re preaching to the choir here,  _ snort but Stephen seems to miss that. “I suppose something as trivial as that wouldn’t bother someone like  _ you  _ but I took an oath,” He drains his glass and pours another one, “I did some work at military hospitals, you know. Afghanistan, Iraq. We weren’t allowed to give preferential treatment, you know. Soldiers, civilians, insurgents. They all got the same level of care. I treated a lot of people with shrapnel in their chests, missing limbs, gunshot wounds. Stark tech, most of it.”

 

Tony closes his eyes to it. Stephen is drunk and bitter, he doesn’t mean it, he doesn’t - “Hey,” Tony says, voice rough. “Come on, Strange, that isn’t fair.”

 

“Isn’t it?” Strange snaps. He stands suddenly, his hands are shaking again, have been all night and he kicks at the empty bottles on the floor. “I’m just.” He closes his eyes, takes a steadying breath. “I didn’t ask for this. Any of this,” he spreads his hands. “I just wanted --  I never wanted to think about these things. I never wanted to have to think about defending the world and now that - Now that I have this power it’s all I think about. How I can do it better, how I can do it quicker and this power - God, Stark, if only you  _ knew  _ \- it’s so tempting. And I am terrified -  _ terrified  _ that I’ll slip and end up like you.”

 

And Tony laughs. This dry, empty chuckle because he’s thinking of Ultron and he’s thinking of Cap and before that, Obie and Killian and even Justin fucking Hammer if Tony hadn’t been such an arrogant asshole, if he’d stopped and _ thought  _ \- If he’d just drank himself to death when he was nineteen, when he was twenty, after his parents died. He would have saved the world a lot of problems. 

 

“I get it, Strange. Most days I don’t wanna be me.”

 

Stephen’s expression softens. 

 

Tony drains his glass, “All days, in fact.”

 

Stephen sits back down next to him. They’re in his rooms and Tony’s pretty sure they started off on the couch but currently, they’re sat on the floor like kids. “Tony,” Stephen says and it’s  _ dripping  _ with sympathy. 

 

Tony meets his gaze briefly. He’ll regret this in the morning, he knows that going in, but there’s something in Stephen’s eyes and let’s face it, they both probably need this. Besides, it’s a well known fact that Tony’s impulse control is made up of some combination of Pepper and Rhodey and Nat, none of whom are currently present.

 

He leans forwards, gives Stephen enough time to pull back if he wants to but Stephen meets him halfway.

 

\---

 

“So,” Tony says, staring up at Stephen’s ceiling in the cold light of morning. “That should probably not happen again.”

 

“Agreed,” Stephen rumbles. 

 

(Tony’s pretty sure he’ll say the same thing the next time.)

  
  
  



End file.
